Family Life

It’s Monday, swimming day. I have been taking Daniel and Joel every week, and they enjoy the fact that it’s just the two of them with Dad. So far I’ve been going in the water with Joel, but today the instructor wanted the parents to stay out for the first half of the class. He wanted to get the kids used to the idea of interacting with him, rather than with the parents. The latter half of the season will see the parents there, but not in the water.

I found I had some time to look around. I could see Daniel in his class across the pool, interacting with his instructor, and with the other kids in his group. I could pay more attention to the other kids in Joel’s group. Much to my surprise, it turned out that my boys behaved much the same as the other kids. They listened and paid attention, in part. They splashed around and exasperated their instructor, in part. They put in serious effort to do the exercises, sometimes going beyond what they were comfortable with. And sometimes they flatly refused. Too difficult or too scary. They weren’t the best behaved of kids there, but they weren’t the worst behaved either.

My boys were utterly normal. What a revelation!

You have to read my account of the first lesson I had with them to understand why this felt like such a relief. It’s not that I intend to let them get away with misbehaviour. But as a parent it’s difficult sometimes to know where to set my expectations. Even amongst my own children it’s easy to forget, for example, that Joel is younger and I can’t expect from him what I expect from Daniel. It’s my responsibility to train and discipline my children, but it’s also my responsibility to not exasperate them, to not demand more than they are capable of. Comparing my kids with others their age helps me see if I’m asking too much of my own, or not enough.

I’m comforted to know I’m not an extreme parent: neither demanding perfection, nor allowing heedless abandon. I know some would take issue with avoiding the perfection extreme. Why not strive for the kids to be the absolute best they can be? We live in a society that places heavy demands and stressful schedules on kids, striving for success in sports, in education, in finances, in culture. All by the time they turn ten. But I’d rather give my boys room to be children. Keep their minds and bodies occupied, sure, but let them play, let them set their own agenda some of the time.

Being a parent brings up all sorts of existential dilemmas. Writing about it forces me to apply conscious thought and adopt a position, rather than drift into it by default.

I also modified our routine to improve how the evening went. Tonight we used the men’s change room. It was a much bigger room, so noisy kids had less of an impact than in the cramped space of the family change room. There was a lot more room to spread out, so getting the three of us dry and dressed was easier. I took a hint from Debbie, and dressed myself first before attending to the boys. They sat quietly shivering in their towels while I dried and dressed. Once I was sorted out it was much easier to sort the boys out. So there are practical ways to better manage the situation.

We learn as a family. It’s not just the parents teaching the children. The parents learn as well. I want to learn the right lessons. I want to teach the right lessons. Some lessons are harder than others, but tonight’s insights made this lesson a little easier.

Photo note: This picture was taken at a friend’s pool a little over a year ago. You’re not allowed to take photos at the public pool (where the boys have their lessons) unless you have written consent from the parent of every child in the photo.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 22nd, 2007 at 11:23 pm. You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments. You can comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site. Your comments will be moderated if this is your first time, otherwise they will appear immediately. I reserve the right to delete inappropriate comments.