Family Life

There’s no gentle way to explain this, and Debbie certainly didn’t hesitate to fill me in on all the gory details. She was in full blown rant mode before I even had a chance to take my coat off, when I walked in the door this evening. I asked if she wanted to tell the story herself on this blog, but she declined. “It wouldn’t be funny,” she said. “You write it.” So here goes.

It all started when Daniel went off to the toilet to poo.

OK, now you know what this is going to be about. Leave now, if the description of bodily functions disturb you.

Back to our story.

Daniel went off to the toilet to poo. Ordinarily this is a non-event. Daniel (4) has been toilet-trained for a long time. He knows the proper procedures, is well-practiced, is not shy in asking for help, and is overall very dependable in this regard. Today he decided to experiment.

He started off facing the tank, sitting backwards on the toilet. We taught our kids this position because it’s easier for them to get on and off the toilet seat and they feel less likely to fall down the hole, and thus, feel safer and more confident. So far so good.

Halfway through, for reasons known only to himself, Daniel decided that he’d really prefer to sit facing forward, the way adults do. In due course Debbie came to see how he was doing. To her horror, there was poo on the toilet seat, poo on his legs, poo on his back, poo on the toilet tank, poo on his hands. The screaming began.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!?”

Daniel explained.

“WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!?”

And then the all-time parental favourite,

“DON’T YOU HAVE ANY BRAINS!???” *

Silence. There is no safe answer to that question.

A lot of cleaning and scrubbing followed, aided by a gallon of disinfectant and punctuated by grumbles and mutterings.

Meanwhile, Joel (2) really needed to pee. From the sounds of it, the bathroom was not the safest room in the house right now. Best not venture into a war zone. Daniel could sort his own problems out. Joel wasn’t going to get involved. But he really needed to pee.

So he did.

Right on the hardwood floor, beside the piano. A substantial puddle. Debbie caught sight of this on one of her trips for more cleaning supplies. Two simultaneous cleaning emergencies!

A brief moment of silence for the unfairness of it all.

She made a detour and altered her busy schedule to berate Joel on his unwise choice of timing. While she was in the process of sorting Joel out (remember, Daniel was still on the toilet supposedly getting cleaned up), Micah (10 months) crawled through Joel’s puddle. His clothes were soaked and his hands were dripping with pee.

Debbie had hit the jackpot, the trifecta of child-care, the hat-trick of parenting. That’s why we have three children, to achieve a perfect score.

There’s not much more to tell. The mop-up proceeded without further incident. The two youngest were put in the bath. Daniel was scrubbed pink. Affected surfaces were restored to their former cleanliness. And we now have a new house rule: you finish your business in the same position you started with. You just can’t anticipate needing a rule like that.

But apparently the rule wasn’t enough. Daniel and Joel had begun a competition to start to pee on the toilet and finish on the potty. Or vice versa. So the rule was expanded: …and on the same commode you started with.

There are things they just don’t tell you in parenting school.

* Note that I wasn’t actually there so the details may differ slightly, but the gist of the story is correct.

Photo note: Joel has the knack of looking simultaneously innocent and mischievous. This photo was not taken today.

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