Apr 08
10
Tears at bedtime
Posted by Stephen10
Tags: children, getting along, Joel, learning, parenting, patience, problems
The boys have a fixed bedtime ritual, and part of it involves turning off the light. Such a simple step, so intrinsic to going to bed, and yet so fraught with conflict and formal negotiation. On the surface, the agreed-upon procedure is that the boys take turns: tonight Daniel turns off the light, tomorrow night Joel does. See? It’s a simple plan. What could go wrong?
Plenty, apparently.
The first problem comes from behind-the-scenes negotiations. Daniel and Joel will discuss a plan that extends days into the future, trading days off with one another. Daniel (4) has an excellent grasp on days of the week, and will negotiate all the way through till Sunday. Joel (2) gets the general idea, but sometimes has difficulties understanding where today stands in relation to, say, Saturday. He often relies on Daniel to keep him straight as to when in the week he is, and how far away any given event is. The problem arises when it comes time to enforce prior negotiations of light-switching rights. Now Joel has a dilemma. He can’t quite line up the plan (as he remembers it) with the actual days, and he doesn’t want to rely on Daniel to give him an unbiased opinion of how the plan is unfolding. He doesn’t trust Daniel to not slant things in his (Daniel’s) favour, and he doesn’t trust himself to know exactly how the schedule should be carried out. Joel’s conclusion: when in doubt, it’s his turn. Needless to say, this sometimes disagrees with Daniel’s view of things.
The other problem is that when I’m not a part of the negotiations I blithely go ahead with the original (simple) plan, unwittingly creating all sorts of conflict. And it’s not much help when the boys involve me in their back-room dealings. Odds are I won’t remember correctly, once again leading to conflict and leaving me feeling it’s all my fault. For the most part I try to cut through the red tape and stick to the simple plan.
The real problem, from my perspective, is that it can kill a happy, harmonious bed-time with tears and tantrums.
That’s what happened tonight.
It was absolutely clear (to me and Daniel) that it was Daniel’s turn to switch the light off. I even remembered the negotiations from two days ago, and there was no mistake. It was equally clear to Joel that it was his turn. Regardless, Daniel was given the go-ahead to turn off the light. That put Joel in a very grumpy mood. It was his turn. It wasn’t fair.
Sigh.
The sad part was that Joel felt so sorry for himself he refused to have anything to do with his beloved babies–Rabbit, Happy Feet and Puppy. Ordinarily he refuses to go to bed unless he’s properly tucked in with all three. Tonight between sobs he asked me to take them away, out of his bed. He didn’t want them. These three stuffed toys are 100% uncontestedly Joel’s. Daniel and Micah wouldn’t dream of taking them from Joel, not even to rile him up. And Joel loves them dearly and guards them jealously. That Joel, in his self-inflicted misery, should turn away from the very things that would give him comfort, was so inherently human, so evocative of mankind’s original fall that makes us all flawed. I shed a tear for the sinful nature that brings so much grief, and comforted Joel as best I could.
Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow night it’ll be his turn and he’ll get his way and turn the light off. But tonight I love my son, flaws and all.
April 11th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
I thought of a possible solution: have a little mini-whiteboard with a grid for the seven days of the week; then use magnetic coloured markers (where each colour represents a boy) one marker per day. If the boys want to negotiate changes to the pre-arranged system, they have to ask Dad or Mum to rearrange the markers. Then at bedtime, there’s no confusion about who’s turn it is. It also keeps it simple for Joel to understand as I’m sure Daniel’s probably pulling a fast one or two where he can. Oh, and the board needs to be out of their reach or they’ll mess with it.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:41 pm
That’s a good idea. I think the boys will like that, having their own whiteboard, and with magnets, no less! However, I don’t think there is any such thing as “out of their reach” to a determined child, but I’ll make the nominal effort at a secure location.
April 12th, 2008 at 7:29 am
Hehehe in a locked glass-front cabinet, so they can look at it, but not fiddle with it. I think it would be a fun experiment to put the board out of their reach, but not quite, and then try and catch them tampering with it: all Daniel or all Joel, and then the innocent looks when caught. =D
April 13th, 2008 at 1:07 am
Here’s the new schedule. We’ll see how it works out.
April 13th, 2008 at 2:24 am
Looks fantastic!! What has the reaction been so far?
April 15th, 2008 at 9:22 am
Daniel likes it, of course. He understands the concept and it fits his view of the world. Joel understands it well enough, but on the days it’s not his turn he doesn’t accept it. So far it really hasn’t made much difference to the arguing at bedtime, at least on Joel’s side. We’ll see how things go over time. It’s quite helpful for me. Now I don’t have to strain to remember something that (to my mind) is so irrelevant. All I have to remember is move the day marker over every night.